n 



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I 



BOOTS AT THE SWAN. 

Conio along, come along!— no nonsense, or I'll send for the .■^trrtchor. 



THE MINOR DRAMA 

No. II. 



BOOTS AT THE SWAN 

51 laxct 



IN ONE ACT. 



BY CHARLES SELBY. 



WITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST OF CHARACTERS, 
COSTUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS, ETC. 



NEW YORK: 
WILLIAM TAYLOPv & CO., No. 2 ASTOR HOUSE, 

AND JARVIS BUILl>INGS, BALTIMORE. 



1847. 






.6 



/'/v, 



EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. 

This little burletta has been some four or five years before 
the public, and seems to retain all its original popularity. It is 
from the pen of Mr. Selby, the author of the English " Robert 
Macaire" and other pieces of merit. The part of the " deaf 
boots," Jacob, was written for Keeley ; and he is said to have 
made it inimitably amusing. At the New York Olympic The- 
atre, Mr. Mitchell sustains the part with all that rich comic unc- 
tion for which he is celebrated. The other parts are also well 
impersonated at this flourishing establishment. Frank Friskly 
is quite an amusing personage of the Young Rapid species ; and 
though there ^is a liberal dash of extravagance in this and all the 
other characters, they have sufficient verisimiHtude to engage 
the attention and keep the risible faculties in constant exercise. 

Although not remarkable for its ori^nality, this piece promises 
to retain its place among the stock afterpieces of the stage, from 
the pervading vivacity and bustle which mark its construction. 
It is full of action — not of that action which necessarily implies 
external incident and motion, but the action which developes it- 
self in amusing surprises of phraseology, odd phases of charac- 
ter, a constant ebb and flow of motives and counter-motives, all 
ending in a denouement which is strictly in keeping with the hu- 
morous tenor of the whole piece. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

strand Theatre, 18i2. MitchelVs, 18il. ParA:, |846 

Mr. Henry Higgins, Mr. H. Butler. Mr. Sutherland. Mr. Clarke 

Frank Friskly.... " J. S. Balls. " Dyott " ^^alcott. 

Peter Pippin " Collier. " A.Andrews. Miss Clarke 

Jacob Earwig " Keeley. " Bass. Mr. Mitchell. 

Miss Moonshine.. . . Miss Ellon Daly. Mrs. Vernon. Mrs. Watts. 

Emily Moonshine.. . Miss Hicks. Miss Kate Horn. Miss Taylor. 

Sally Smith Mrs. Melville. Mrs. Dyott. Mrs. Timm. 

Betty Jenkins Miss J. Scott. Mrs. Burrows. 



COSTUMES. 

HIGGINS.— Brown frock coat, fancy waistcoat, and drab trousers. 

FRISKLY.— White trousers, black frock coat, satin waistcoat, whiskers and mous- 
tache. 

JACOB.— Groom's long canvas jacket, very full breeches to correspond, unbuttoned 
at the knee, red wig, fur cap, red neckerchief, white stockings, and high-lows. 

PIPPIN.— Page's livery. 

MISS MOONSHINE.— White muslin morning dress, with hair in long ringlets. 

SALLY.— Chintz dress and black apron. 

BETTY.— Cook's modern dress of blue gown, large cap, &c. 



EXITS AND ENTRANCES. 
n. menr^s Right ; J.. Left; R. D. i^^v^< Poor; L.D.Le/J Poor ; 
S. E. Second Entrance; U. E. Upper Entrance; M. D. Middle Door. 

RELATIVE POSITIONS. 
R., means Right; la., Left; C, Centre ; "R. C, Right of Centre; 
L. C, Left of Centre. 

JS.B. Passages marked with Inverted Commas, are usually omitted in the 
representation. 



BOOTS AT THE SWAN. 



ACT 1. 

Scene I. — An Inn — Front Scene. 
Mr. Higgins discovered synoking a segar. 

Hig. Another dull day. St. Swithin seems determined 
to make the most of his reign ; this is, without exception, 
the dullest house I've had the misfortune to put up at. 
The bar maid's in love, the waiter's of a serious turn, and 
the Boots is deaf and stupid. If I am compelled to re- 
main here much longer, I shall certainly commit suicide. 
[Knock.] Come in — of all the dreary dungeons — [Knock.] 
why the devil don't you come in ] [Knock.] Zounds ! oh, 
it's the deaf Boots, I suppose ; I may say come in until 
dooms-day, he'll never hear me. [OjJens door.] Come in. 

E?iier Jacob Earwig, l. 

Well, sir 1 

Jac. [ Taking off his cap.] Sarvant, sur. 

Hig. Well, what do you want ? 
^Jac. Yes, sur. 

Hig. What's the matter] what do you want % 

Jac. A young ooman, sir ! 

Hig. What % 

Jac. Yes, sur, corned with a letter for you. 

Hig. Send her up. 

Jac. I don't know, I'm sure, sur, I didn't ask her ; she 
called it a little Billy, ha ! ha ! What rum names they ha' 
gotten for things now, ha ! ha ! " Does Mr. Piggins put 
up here ]" says she. ** Yes, my dear," says I. " Are he 
at home 1" says she. " I believe he are," says I. " I've 



6 BOOTS AT THE SWAN. ]Act I, 

gotten summut for him," says she. " What are it?" says 
1. " A little Billy," says she. *' You don't say so," says 
I. " Yes 1 does," says she, Where is it]" says I. "In 
my pocket," says she. " The devil he are," says I, " he 
must be a werry little un, then." " The reg'lar size," says^ 
she, '' three-cornered." " Three-cornered," says I, " I ne- 
ver heard of such a thing." " It's impossible, are it V says 
she — '* look" — so she pulled out a bit of a letter, done up 
like a coachman's cocked-up hat, and flourishes it afore 
my eyes. " Do you call that a little Billy ?" says T. " I 
should think so," says she. " What a himposition," says 
I; " I thought you meant what the mounseers call Petit 
Hofigjhng, a little boy called William." "He ! he !" says 
she, " you're a fule !" " Ha ! ha !" says I, " you're ano- 
ther." I never seed a respectable young lady laugh so in 
all my born days. 

Hig. Well, show her up. 

Jac. Yes, she's" 'nation pretty, but to think of calling a 
letter a Billy, ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Hig. \Baivling.\ Send her up ! 

Jac. [Gives a dirty note.] There it are : she aynt a wait- 
ing, 'cos there's no answer. 

Hig. [Snatching note.] Leave the room, you blockhead ! 

Jac. Yes, I know I dirtied it : there wur a hole in my 
pocket, and it slipped through, but I've wiped off all the 
mud. 

Hig. [Bawling and points to door.] Will you leave the 
room ] 

Jac. Eh! Oh, yes, sir. — [Aside^ He's as surly as our 
Beadle when he's called in to act perfessioually. [Exit, l. 

Hig. 'Tis from Emily. Now to know my fate. [Opens 
note and reads.] " Dearest Henry, my sister has commanded 
me never to see you again ; your unfortunate name is the 
cause of her cruel detertnination ; you know how entirely de- 
p)endant I am upon her for my fortune — fyid some means of 
overcoming her prejudices, or 1 never can he yours — Emily. '^ 
Distraction ! am I to lose her for so trivial — [Knock,] 
there's my deaf tormentor again. [Opens door.] Come in. 

Enter Jacob, l. 

Jac. Gentleman wants you, sur ; shall I show him up 1 
Hig. [Nodding.] Yes. 



Scene I.] BOOTS AT THE SWAN. 7 

Jac. [Going.] Very well, sur. 

Hig. Stay, stay ! 

Jac. Send him up directly, sur. [Going. 

Hig. [Bringing him back.] Stay ! what's the gentleman's 
name 1 

Jac. Frock coat and bucks, whiskers and starshers — 
quite a swell. 

Hig. [Bawling.] No, no ! — what's his name 1 

Jac. No, no, he aynt lame leastways — I don't think he 
are. 

Hig. Well, well, send him up. 

Jac. Yes, he's a rale gentleum, leastways, he's got all 
the pints of one — first, his boots is thin, with slap-up heels, 
and pinted toes, then his gloves is all right, and his tile aynt 
a four-and-ninepenny gossamer. 

Hig. Will you go 1 

Jac. To be sure, I does, down as a hammer; when I 
wants to find out whether a chap's a rale gentleum, I 
looks at his boots, and I'm generally fly ; but if so be I 
has my doubts, I looks at his gloves, and then I'm wide 
awake. Many sports Berlins, or perliseman's as I calls 
'em ; others come the artful dodge of jeans and washing 
Limericks — them does werry well for barbers' clerks and 
sich like; but the rale gentleum sports kid ones, not made 
out of sheepskins, but three-and-sixpenny straws or laven- 
ders, them's the ticket, and there's no mistake about 'em ; 
the small swell may come the tailor's toggery, but they 
aint got the taste to come the gentleum at the stremity 
of the toes and fingers. 

Hig. This fellow will drive me mad. [Bawls.] Send the 
gentleman up. 

Jac. Oh, I'm not to send him up, werry well, I know — 

Hig. No, no — what am I to do with him ? [Brings him 
hack — points off- — the?i, on — shakes and nods his head. 

Jac. Oh ! I'm awake — I'll not let him come up, 'pend 
upon it. [Going. 

Hig. [Brings him hack.] No, no. — [Takes card from his 
pocket, writes on it with pencil, and gives it to Jacoh.] There, 
do you understand that ] Send him up ! 

Jac. [Taking card.] Yes, sir, I'll give it him : now you've 
writ " you are out," he must believe you, in course, he 
must; 'pend on me, sir, I'll give it to him. [Exit, l. 



b BOOTS AT THE SWAN. [Act I. 

Ilfg. Confound it, he can't read; I've no hope of ma- 
king myself understood. 

Frisk. [ Without, l.] Hallo ! hallo ! what do you mean 1 
at home and not at home ! what's his number 1 — never 
mind, I'll find him. 

Enter Friskly, l. 

How are you, Higgins? glad to see you, old fellow — sur- 
prised at my visit, no doubt — -just arrived from Bath — saw 
your card in the bar — asked for you — not at home — eva- 
sive answer — told to walk up, and here I am — looking 
devilish well — how's your uncle 1 — sisters quite well 1 — - 
orother Tom — alive and merry, eh ? — got any more 
pointers % — bay mare on her legs again 1 How's Sally 
Jenkins ] — do much on the Leger ? — what are you up to 
here 1 — poaching — sly dog — I know — pretty bar maid, 
take care — deep ones at the bar — well, and how are you 1 
— snug room this — shaved off your moustachios — what 
time do you dine? 

Hig. Upon my life, Friskly, you've asked me so many 
questions that I don't know which to answer first — but in 
brief — after your own style — I'm quite well — am surpri- 
sed at your visit — my uncle is quite well — sisters ditto — 
Tom is alive and merry — I've no more pointers — bay 
mare is on her legs again — know nothing about Sally 
Jenkins — did nothing on the Leger — am here on business 
— barmaid is pretty — will take care — know they are deep 
ones at the bar. — This is a snug room — I have shaved off 
ray moustachios, and I dine at six. 

Frisk. Pshaw! damn quizzing; come to the point at 
once — if I am intruding, tell me so — don't stand upon ce- 
remony. If you expect company, I'm off*. 

Hig. No, no ; pray stay, 'twill be a charity — I'll ordei 
lu n ch e on . \R ing s hell. 

Frisk. That's your sort — always hungry — eat anything, 
ham sandwich, cold turkey, down to mutton pies, eggs 
and bacon, bread and cheese — 

Enter Jacob, l. 
Jac. \To HiggiTis.] Ring, sur 1 
Hig. Yes. 
Jac. Ring sur 1 
Hig. Yes ! — Here's my deaf tormentor again, how shall 



Scene I.] BOOTS AT THE SWAN. 9 

I make liim understand. [Crosses to him — bawls.] Where's 
the waiter 'I 

Jac. Bring you the paper — very well, sur. [Going.] 
Times, Chronicle, or 'Tizer? 

Hig. [BcnvUng.] No, no — where's the waiter] 

Jac. Oh, he be gone out for a holiday, and I'm to do 
for him till he comes back. 

Hig. You'll do for me. [Bawls.] Bring me luncheon on 
a tray — cold meat and pickles. 

Jac. Yes, it's a werry fine day, and he are gone to play 
skittles. 

Hig. Bring us something to eat ! , [Bawls. 

Jac. In course, he will be obligated to stand treat — I 
aint a-going to do his work for nuffin — no, no, I aint sich 
a fule. 

Frisk. What the deuce is he talking about 1 

Hig. He's deaf, and mistakes every thing that's said 
to him. 

Frisk. Deaf, is he 1 awkward thing, that, for a waiter 
— never mind, I'll make him understand — I say, thingamy, 
— what's your name — get us some — [Making signs of cut- 
ting meat and bread, and eating. 

Jac. Yes, sur ; you wants summut to eat — cold meat 
and pickles, in course — tankard of ale — yes, sur, directly, 
sur. [Exit, L. 

Frisk. That's your sort ! there, you see, he understands 
me in a moment. Never bawl to a deaf person — panto- 
mime — sure to understand. I'm never at fault — up to 
everything — fell in with some dumb people once — every 
body at a loss — couldn't make them understand — recol- 
lected the method of the blind school — talked with my 
fingers — fly to me in an instant — kept up animated con- 
versation, three hours — beautiful language — fingerage, I 
mean — [Imitates speaking loith fingers.] A, E, I, O, U. 
Suppose you want to say, how do you do — [Imitates^ 
How's your mother? — [Imitates.] Splendid accomplish- 
ment — call it the Diggatary type — got half an hour to 
spare, I'll teach you. 

Hig. No, no, some other time — so, you've just arrived 
from Bath — very gay there, I suppose. 

Frisk. Wonderfully ! myriads of pretty girls — no end 
of ballaand parties — such dinners— nothing but — 



10 BOOTS AT THE SV/AN. [Act I 

Enter Jacob, with luncheon, l. 

Jac. Cold beef and pickles, sur. [P/aces them on tahJe. 

Frisk. Ha ! ha ! ha ! odd interruption — let us attack 
the luncheon. [Sitting.] Now I'll give you a slight idea ot 
an appetite. [Cutting meat.] Well, Spooney, what are 
you waiting for 1 

Jac. Yes, sur — it's capital good, sir, well corned, not too 
much " Peter" — 

Frisk. [Points to doo?'.] Leave the room. 

Jac. Yes, sur. — [Aside.] Mighty civil spoken gentleman 
that are ; he don't bawl and holler as t'other chap. — 
[Aloud.] I'll go directly, sur. [Exit, l. 

Frisk. Capital beef and excellent ale. You don't eat, 
Higgins : what's the matter with you ? in love, I suppose ; 
who is the happy object] [Taking pickles.] Them's the 
jockeys for me ; pickled walnuts — what on earth can you 
be staying here for ] the bread, if you please — you must 
have some motive — a glass of ale — thank you ; — a love af- 
fair ] five to one it is. 1 think there's verdigris in the 
pickles : — an elopement — eh ] I'm not at all curious, but 
I should like to know. 

Hig. Well, then, it is a love affair, of a very delicate 
and peculiar nature. 

Frisk. \Drawi?ig his chair closer.] Indeed ! explain, my 
dear boy, explain. I adore delicate peculiarities — uncom- 
monly tender beef — is she here 1 [ Winks and couglis. 

Ilig. No — no ! your vivid imagination runs away with 
you ; I am waiting — 

Frisk. I know, you sly dog — an opportunity to carry her 
off — lucky rascal — who is she ] anybody I know — a friend's 
wife, eh % 

Hig. No, no ! 

Frisk. Can't be a widow, no, no, widows never elope — 
let me see — can't guess — give it up — explain — turn on the 
gas — illuminate. 

Ilig. You must know, then, I am — 

Frisk. In love, of course. Cut on — turn the corner — 
go a-head — don't be prosy — condense — come to the point 
— on this way. In love — beautiful creature — eighteen — 
sylph-like form — ethereal blue or black eyes — golden, ra- 
ven, or chesnut hair — corkscrew ringlets, or Madonna 



Scene I.] 



BOOTS AT THE SWAN. 11 



braids — complexion, fair as cygnet's down, or tinged with 
olive bloom — teetli of pearl — lips of roses — every feature 
more exquisitely perfect than ever sculptor wrought, 
limner painted, or poet fancied. 

Hig. Well, then, the lady is in peison — 

Frisk. 1 know — perfect — that's enough — strike parti- 
culars — go on — go on. 

Hig. Psha ! I must tell you my story in my own way, 
or not at all. 

Frisk. Well, well, take the bit — kick up — go along — 
mind the corners — bilk the gates. 

Hig. In a few words, the young lady in question is all 
a lover could wish — lovely, animated, but her fortune is 
unluckily dependent on her elder sister. 

Frisk. I see — a sort of Egyptian mummy — a tea drink- 
ing, snuffy old girl. 

Hig. No, she's a romantic lady, whose head is turned 
by novels and romances, gleaned from the Minerva press. 

Frisk. I see, an animated library of fiction ; well. 

Hig. She has refused to consent to my marriage with 
her sister, because — damn it, I'm ashamed to tell you. 

Frisk. Don't be bashful — I won't laugh at you — fire 
away. 

Hig. Well, then, 'tis because my name is Higgins ; she 
won't allow her sister to disgrace her family by assuming 
so vulgar an appellation. 

Frisk. Ha! ha! ha! that bangs Ban agher ; so you are 
thrown out — what do you mean to do 1 carry off the girl % 

Hig. No ; she has positively refused to be mine, with- 
out her sister's consent, and that is beyond hope. 

Frisk. Romantic, you say ? 

Hig. Very ! 

Frisk. Credulous % 

Hig. Remarkably! 

Frisk, Fond of the marvellous ! 

Hig. Desperately! 

Frisk. Would she shrink from a touch of the heroics ? 

Hig. I believe a captain of banditti would not be too 
strong for her susceptible imagination. 

Frisk. No] leave me to manage her, and I'll bet you 
two to one, I'll bring you through the affair with flying 
colours. 



J 2 BOOTS AT THE SWAN. [ Act I, 

H'fg. Will you ? I invest you with full power; gain me 
my dear Emily, and I'll say you are indeed a friend. 

Frisk. Don't say another word, it's done. 1 must give 
myself a name — something terrible — smelling of murder 
and bloodshed; a name that will paralyze her nerves, a 
name that, like Rob Roy's, will make even the paving 
stones tremble. No, I have it : I'll be strikingly original 
and novel — I'll be a man without a name. 

Hig. Well, but how 1 

Frisk. Not a word — you have promised to leave all to 
me. [Ri?igs bell.] Remain here quietly until I send for 
you, then follow my instructions to the letter ; I will so 
work on her sympathetics and her fears, that something 
must turn up to your advantage ; and if, in serving you, I 
can extract some fun for myself, why, then, both purposes 
will be accomplished. [Rings bell. 

Enter Jacob, l. 

Jac. Want me, sur 1 

Frisk. My cab and tiger. 

Jac. Bring you a mild segar — werry good — reel Hawa- 
na — capital, good — 

Frisk. Oh, I forgot — come here. [Pantomimes drivivg — 
a cockade and band round hat. 

Jac. Cab and tiger? call 'em up directly, sir. — [As>dc.\ 
Now that's what i call speaking plain English, I under- 
stand every word he says, 'cos it's good grammar, f Exit, l. 

Frisk. Ha! ha! ha! I must publish my method of 
conversing with the deaf and stupid — obvious to the mean- 
est capacity — soon supersedes all other methods. 

Enter Jacob, l. 

Jac. Cab's at the door, sir. 

Frisk. That's right, my pippin — there's half a crown 
for you, thickhead. 

Jac. Thank you, sur — you 're a rale gentleum ; I 
thought so when I saw your boots, but now — [Looks at 
7nonej/,\ I'm sure of it, you're an out-and-out patriot, num- 
ber one sort. [Goes uj) and jjuts tables a?id chairs q/f, s. e. 

Frisk. Flattering distinction. Good bye, Higgins, for 
the present. Stay : if I am a hero running away from jus- 
tice, I shall want a pursuer; what think you of this thick- 
headed Boots ] could he personate a policeman ] I'll see 



Scene Il.J BOOTS AT THE SWAN. 13 

I say, old fellow, [Jacob co?nes down,] can you keep a 
secret 1 \Puts his finger to his lips, and shoivs a sovereign. 
Motions him to ivait heJow. 
Jac. You'll give me that if I don't say anything? 
Frisk. [Nods.] Yes. 

Jac. I'll never speak again. [Exit, l. 

Frisk. He's my man, if I can only make him under- 
stand what I would have him do. I'll give him a lesson 
m the Diggatary type. [Friskly goes off with Higgins, l. 

Scene 11.— A Drazving Room handsomely furnislied— 
French ivindows opening on a laicn, c.—a larsre closet, 
L. c. of F.— Table, c, ivith lo?ig cover— Sofa— Chairs— 
Arm Chair by windoic. Door r. u. e. 

Enter Pippin, r., on tip-toe, looking^ cautiously round. 
Fip. The key's in the closet, there's nobody looking. 
I've a great mind to have a spoonful of raspberiy jam; 'it 
IS so nice, and I'm so 'ticklarly partial to sweet things. Oh, 
I wish I was a young gentleman with plenty of money' 
wouldn't I have my pennyworth at the pastry cook's ' 
[Looki7ig around.\ It's all right ;— I'll venture. [Opens clo- 
set, takes down a pot of jam, and eats.] Oh, aint it ^olop- 
shus ? or 

E??ter Sally, r., with a quantity of books and apiece of pa- 
mper containing list of books. 

Sal. [Speaking as site enters.] Yes, ma'am, I'll send him 
directly. [Sees Fipptin.] Eh % 

[Runs vp to him and pulls him doicn by the ear 

Pip. (l.) Oh, jemini ! I'm cotched ! 

Sal. (r.) Oh, you little villain— so I've caught you eat- 
ing the jam again. Pippin! Pippin! you're a very bad 
boy ; I've a great mind to send for a policeman and ha'.e 
you transported— read the affecting story of Tommy and 
Harry, and see how bad boys are punished, and beware. 
The next time — mind the very next time you go to that 
closet again, you'll be found out— mark my words, and re- 
form. 

Pip. I will— but the jam is so nice, and I'm so 'ticklar- 
ly fond of it — 

Sal. Silly boy, it's your duty to conquer your silly no- 
B 



14 BOOTS AT THE SWA?^. 



[Act I. 



tions. We are all of us fond of jam, of one sort or ano- 
ther, but it's the business of our lives to abstain from it. 
Now take these books to the libery, and tell Mr. Sammy 
that missus wants all that is written in this list. 

[Giving paper. 

Pi]?. Wot] all that's put down here ? \RMn71ing fingem 
down list.^ Why, I must have a porter to help me carry 
them. Jemini, isn't she fond of jam % 

Sal. I must say, her thirst for knowledge is remarkable. 
Bye-the-bye, she says, you must tell Mr. Sammy that she 
has set her mind on having *' The Last Man," but if that's 
not at home, she must have " The Maid's Husband," and 
if he hasn't got that, he must oblige her with the " Youn- 
ger Son." 

Pip. [Going. \ Very well. 

Sal. And tell Mr. Sammy, that there are three leaves 
torn out of the " Heads of the People," and the " Idler 
in Italy" is dreadfully dog-eared — and the " Confessions" 
aynt proper — and " Alice, or the Mysteries," is scribbled 
all over with pencil, and — 

pip. Oh, don't tell me any more, I shan't be able to re- 
member one half you have told me already. [Goivg.^ Let 
me see — She wants " The Last Man," " The Maid's Hus- 
band," " The Younger Son," *' Alice, or the Miss Trees," 
scribbled all over with pencil. 

Sal. Oh, you little fool, you'll make some mistake, I 
know ; never mind, she must take her chance ; and Pip- 
pin, give my compliments to Mr. Sammy, and tell him I 
want him to oblige me with a book ; ask him to let me 
have *' Tom Jones," and *' Roderick Random," for I read 
in a newspaper the other day, that they are the foundation 
of all the modern novelty ; so don't forget, now, and if 
you can't get them, bring " Tristram Shandy Gent.," and 
** Joseph Andrews," or " Sir Charles Grandison," or 
" Humphrey Clinker." 

Pip. Very well, I won't forget — [Goi?ig — Aside,] and 
while Fm about it, I'll have "Jack Sheppard," and " Per- 
cival Keene," ai«d "Mrs. Glass on Preserves," for myself. 

[Exit, L. 

Sal. Wery well — now that's settled, I'll go and tell 
Miss Emily that I have delivered her note. [Knocks at 
door, R. u. £.] Miss Emily ! Miss Emily ! 



ScEKElI.J BOOTS AT THE SWAN. 15 

Enter Emily, r. 

Etni. Oil, Sally, have you seen Mr. Higglns 1 

Sal No, miss, you didn't tell me to waTt^for an answer, 
so I thought It wasn't necessary to harrow up my feelings 
by an interview with the poor gentleman, for I know your 
letter would put him in a horrid state of despair, and I 
caii't bear to see a gentleman in that precarious situation. 

Ejm. 'Tis certainly dreadful ! what kind of temper is 
my sister in this morning ? 

Sal Oh, excellent, miss ; she has just finished the se- 
cond act of her new tragedy, and she's in ecstasy about 
it— she has sent Pippin to the libery for another lot of 
novels and romances to make up the other three acts— 
and she's quite sure that she will produce a play that will 
beat Shakspeare all to shivers. 

Emi. Strange infatuation ! I wouldn't mind if she 
didn't allow her folly to run riot, and make all around her 
miserable. 

Sal Yes, miss ; that's what I says to my sweetheart • 
" what's the use of learning, Tom," says I, *' if it 'sorbs up 
all your natural affections, and makes you a visionary mis- 
anthrope ?" "Ah, what, indeed," says he, making a quo- 
tation from the Pickwick Club, " if ignorance is bliss, 'tis 
foolish to be otherwise." 

\Miss Moonshine sjyealcs outside, r.] Die all— die nobly 
— die like demi-gods ! 

Sal^ Here she comes, rehearsing her new tragedy 

only listen to her, miss, you'll hear some extraordinary 
sayings. 

Enter Miss Moonshine, r., witJi a quantity of hooks under 
her arm-^a MS. in one hand, and a pen in the other. 

Miss M. [Reading.] " Let earthquakes rumble in the 
eartli^s deep centre — 
Let whirhvinds roar—torrents hurst their hounds. 
Volcanoes flash their sulphureous flaines, 

A7id all the fieri) fiends in phrcnzied fury 

Charming ! 

Co-mingle in one grand illimitahle chaos." 

That's pretty well, I think, for a mild description of a 

storm. Now, let me see— what can I make Count Charles, 

the Baron s fnend, say to that ] [gUg ^ 



16 BOOTS AT THK SWAN. [ Act I. 

Sal. Now, she's sitting for licr portrait in a composing 
attitude. 

Miss M. As he is only feeder to the hero, I must make 
his speeches as brief as possible, just to give Baron Fitz 
Hacko time to take his breath — let me see — I'll make him 
say, " He shakes my soul !" — yes, that will do. [ U'rit/Tig.] 
If he could win the lady Emiline Matilda — let me see — 
" I'd have a palace" — \Srci7tg Sally and Etnibj.\ Emily, 
what are you doing there 1 Sally, go to your work ! 

Sal. Yes, ma'am — [Aside.] She's a perfect grim griffin- 
hoof [Exit Sal/j/, n. 

Miss M. So, Miss Emily, you are still playing the vic- 
tim — thinking of that man with the hideous name of Hig- 
ghis — marry him, if you please, but remember, you'll ne- 
ver have a shilling of my money — f Crosses to r.] — but come, 
be a good girl, and forget the fellow — I'll find you a hus- 
band who will be worthy of you — whose noble name and 
ancient family will bring us honour. 

Emi. Alas, madam, you speak as though happiness ct)n- 
sisted only in noble names and ancient descents. 

Miss M. Go to your room, miss: I'll listen to no more 
folly — you shall marry the person I choose for you, or you 
know tlie consequences — no reply — go. [Exit Emily, r. d. 
F.] Silly girl ; I can't think who could have put such ri- 
diculous notions in her head; why doesn't she take pat- 
tern by me, and love nothing but literature % How sweet 
it is to lose all consciousness of being alive — to fancy bow- 
ers of bliss — [Eonldng tlirough 2cindo/c.] Ah ! what do I 
see 1 a man, without his coat and hat, running across the 
lawn — jioor fellow, he seems strangely agitated — good 
heavens! he approaches the window — >he's coming in — 

Enter Friskly, in great alarm, loithout coat or hat, from, 
loindow, c. 

Frislx. Beautiful lady ! save me, save me, or I am lost ! 

Miss M. Good gracious ! who are you 1 

Frisk. No matter ; I throw myself upon your pity — 
I'm the most unfortunate of men. [Kneels. 

Miss M. Rise, sir, rise. — [Aside.] This is the very thing 
— precisely the situation of Julia, in the Innocent Crimi- 
nal — [Aloud.] What have you done 1 

Frisk. [Pretending alarm.] Oh, ask me not, I entreat 
you. 



Scene II.] BOOTS AT THE SWAN. 17 

Miss M. What are you 1 

Frisk. Nothing! 

3Iiss M. What is your condition ? 

Frisk. A gentleman ! 

Miss M. What brought you here 1 

Frisk. \Shuddcrs.\ Ah! 

Miss M. [Aside.\ He shakes my soul \— [Aloud.] Tell 
me, I conjure you — [Friskbj taking her mysteriously by 
the hand — pantomimes that he is a prisoner. 

Miss M. A prisoner ! 

Frisk. [In a whisper. \ Hush ! I am a convict escapee 
from the hulks. 

Miss M. Oh, heavens ! 

Frisk. 'Tisevenso. 

Miss M. For what w^ere you condemned 1 

Frisk. [G?-oaning.] Oh! 

Miss M. Not mur — 

Frisk. [Seizing her arm.] Der — I was — 1 was ! 

Miss M. [Going.] Wretch ! monster ! 

Frisk. Stop ! stop ! I am innocent ! 

Miss M. [ Turning.] Ah ! ^ 

Frisk. Convicted on false evidence — the victim of cir- 
cumstances — listen to my sad story. 

Miss M. I will. 

Frisk. [Aside.] Now for a twister — ahem! — [Alo7/d.] 
Once upon a time — no, no — I mean when I was a very 
little boy — T — 

Miss M. Go on, sir; I'm all attention. [They sit. 

Frisk. When I was a very little boy — ahem — [Aside.] 
there I stick. — [Aloud.] When I was a very little boy, 
about so high — when I was about so high, I — 

Miss 31. Yes, sir — I am tremblingly anxious. 

Frisk. Ahem! — [Aside.] I'm afraid I shan't grow any 
higher — [Alo?zd.] I — [Rapidly.] I was stolen by gypsies — 
they stripped me — 

Miss M. [Hiding her face.] Oh, sir — 

Frisk. Don't be alarmed, madam — I was only a little 
boy, about so high — they stained my cheeks — 

Miss M. With walnut juice, the wretches — 

Frisk. I slept in a tent, and was fed upon boiled chick- 
ens. 

Miss M. Is it possible '? and boiled chickens — a new 
fact in gypsy statistics ! [Making a memorandum. 



18 BOOTS AT THE SWAN. 



FACT I 



Frisk. Yes, ma'am; hen-roosts robbed continually — 
ran away — went to sea — taken by a pirate — shot through 
the body — recovered — walked the plank — sv/am in the 
Atlantic ocean for fourteen days — lived on flying fish — sa- 
ved — brought back to England — misery — starvation — 
prize in the lottery — all right — man of fashion — balls — 
parties — Crockford's— Newmarket— the Opera— Coal Hole 
— Cider Cellar — went to France — Palais Royale — Deja- 
zet — Tousez — Tortoni's — Cafe des Avengles — wild man 
— Theatre Fran9aise — Talma — Mam'selle Mars — Ra- 
chel — Opera Comique — varieties— Gymnase — Leontine Fay 
— Boufie — came home again — hard up — Wimbledon — du- 
el — killed man — pulled Beak — old know-nothing — trans- 
portation — sent to the hulks — watched opportunity — jump- 
ed over palings — cutaway — police in pursuit — your house 
— window open — beautiful lady — broke jmy chain — pity 
the misfortunes of a poor young man — 

Miss M. \^Aside.^ Strange story — what a subject for a 
melo-drama! — [Aloud.\ But who are you '? 

Frisk. Who am I ] — [^5/^e.] That's a puzzler. — [Aloud 
— Mysteriously \ I am as much unknown to myself as I 
am to you. 

ISUss 31. Ah ! — [^^/Je.] how interestingly mysterious. 

Frisk. My existence is enveloped in a cloud — some men 
are called Peter — some James, or Smith — Brown, or 
Thompson, or Hopkins ; but I, alas, have no name what- 
ever. 

Miss M. Indeed ! have you no recollections of your 
parents 1 

Frisk. None ; it has been whispered that I never had 
any — that I was won in a raffle at the Art-Union. 

JMiss 37. Wonderful ! like the monster in Frankenstein 
— but surely you have some appellation 1 

Frisk. Yes, ma'am — I am the man without a name — 
when people speak to me, and wish for a reply, they call 
me Mister, or Thingamy — or what d'ye call 'em. 

Miss M. [Aside.] Mysterious being — what a husband 
for Emily — 

Jac. [ Without, R.] This way — follow, follow ! 

Frisk. Ah, the blood-hounds are on the track — hide me, 
lady, hide me ! — 



4 



Scene I.] BOOTS AT THE SWAN. 19 

Miss M. [Pointing to dooi\ l. d. f.] Go in there, I will 
mislead them. 

Frisk. Thanks ! a thousand thanks ! on my knees let 
me — [Kneels. 

Miss M. No, no — another moment, and you are lost — 
away ! away ! [Miss M. pushes him out, l. u. e., and sinks 
into a chair. 

Enter Jacob, through window, disguised as a Policeman, 
with a black wig, and large red whiskers. 

Miss M. Oh, what a horrid wretch ! 

Jac. [Flourishing his stick.^ I think I come the blue in 
a slap-up style. [Imitating.^ Come, I say, move on there 
— none o'that — [Aside.] There's the missus, 1 must keep 
up my character. — [Aloiid.] Step this way, if you please, 
ma'am. 

Miss M. [Advancing — Aside.] I'm dreadfully afraid, 
but I must steel my nerves, for the sake of the poor fugi- 
tive. 

Jac. [Aside.] Now, if I could only manage to hear what 
she says, I'm all right — [Aloud.] Are you the missus of 
this house 1 

Miss M. [Assenting in action.] Yes. 

Jac. [Aside.] So far so well — [Alofid.] Now, look at me : 
I'm number eleventeen of the X Y Z division— you've 
got a man concealed in your house ; where is he 1 

Miss M. [Aside.] If I betray him, he is lost.— [Aloud.] 
I don't know. 

Jac. Ehl what, you've let him go 1 werry well, ma'am, 
worry well. [ Walks about in a passion, and jlourishcs stic]<.?^ 
You've got yourself into a precious scrape — [Aside.] It's 
astonishing how well I hear everything. 

Miss M. [Surprised^ What does he mean] does he 
misunderstand me "? — I assure you, sir— 

Jac. I won't hear a word. | 'Noise in closet. 

Miss M. [Aside\ Ah ! he will be discovered. 

Jac. [Taking chair, r.] I'm deaf to everything, ma'am. 

[Noise. 

Miss M. [Aside.] I understand — he pretends not to hear 
— he wants a bribe. 

Jac. Well, what are you humming and hawing about 1 
I'm an old hand, come to the point at once. 



20 BOOTS AT THE SWAN. [Acf I. 

Miss M. [Gives Mm money \ There, my good man — 
there — [Friskly looks out, and in extravagant action exjiress- 
es gratitude. Miss M. tries to keep him hack. 

Jac. [Putting money in his 2^ock€t.] Thank you, marm; 
you haven't seen nothing of the gentleum 1 of course, 
you haint — sorry I have troubled you. Good morning, 
marm. — [Goi?ig. 

Miss M. Propitious fate !— good morning, my dear 
friend, good morning. [Bows him out, r., then turns to 
Friskly, who enters from door l., and kneels. 

Frisk. Beautiful, compassionate being — the devotion of 
my life w^ill never — 

Enter Jacob, r. 

Jac. I forgot to say — 

Miss M. Oh, Heavens, he's taken ! [She tries to hide 
Friskly by holding her apron before him. Friskly motions 
Jacob to advance and seize him. 

Jac. [Aside.\ I'm awake — [Aloud.] Ha ! ha ! you're 
there arter all, are you. [Seizes him.] Come along — no 
nonsense, or I'll send for the stretcher — sorry I can't oblige 
you, marm, but he must go — [Aside to Friskly.] Is'nt that 
the ticket 1 

Frisk. \ Aside.] No, no : be quiet — [Aloud.] My doom, 
then, is sealed. [Taks her hand, and speaks 2^(ithetically.] 
Farewell green fields, and trees, and haymaking — fare- 
well the rippling streams — farewell the balmy air — fare- 
well sun, moon, and stars — farewell every thing — I'm 
pickled. 

Jac. [Aside to Frisk., and flourishing stick?^ Let me hit 
you over the head once to make it appear real — it would 
be so natural — the blues always do it. 

Miss M. Poor young man ! how adversity elevates our 
language. How elegantly he paints his despair ! 

Frisk. Ere I quit forever this gay and festive scene — 
these halls of dazzling light — permit me, good friend, to 
say one word in private to my benefactress. [Waves his 
hand to Jacob, who takes a step back, like a soldier — Friskly 
speaks to 3Iiss 31. in a Imrried whisjyer.] Resplendent stran- 
ger ! — guardian angel of Peru ! — a thought has flashed 
through my brain that may save me. 

J\liss M. Oh, heavens ! 

Frisk. Repress all emotion — weather warm — officer 



Scene li] BOOTS AT THE SWAN. 21 

thirsty — bottle of Sherry — intoxicated — go to sleep — es- 
cape — love — life — liberty — you understand 1 

Miss M. Perfectly— I— 

Frisk. Hush, he's watching us. I feel the influence of 
his gimlet eyes — assume an air of innocence, and propose 
the 8herry. 

Miss M. I will. Oh, hardness to dissemble. [Crosses to 
h.] What fearful trials heroines are obliged to go through. 
yTakcs out a j)Ocket handkercJiief, assumes the air and tone 
of a heroine in a melo-drama, aud, takes Friskhfs hand\ 
Farewell — [To Jacob.] Treat him kindly, sir, for he is ve- 
ry genteelly connected — farewell — stay — the day is hot 
— you need some refreshment — allow me to offer you a 
glass of Sherry. 

Jac. Eh 1— [Aside.] Now, I am floored.— [To Friskh/.] 
What did she say 1 [Friskly fantomivies drinking^ Oh, 
that's it — [Aloud.] Oh, certainly, marm, with all my heart. 

Miss M. Oblige me by taking a chair ; the wine's at 
hand, 1 will not detain you an instant. [Jacob sits on one 
side of the table, and Friskly on the other — Miss M. 
goes to closet for wine. 

Jac. [Aside to Friskly.] What be I to do now % [Friskly 
jpantomimes to him to drink and 'pretend to get drunk.] All 
right — I'm awake — that's your sort — 

[Miss M. returns icith wine and glasses. 

Miss M. [Pouring out wine at back of table.] Permit 
me to assist you. — [Aside.] Horrible wretch ! 

Jac. Thank you, marm, my service to you. (Drinks.) 
capital good, this ere, marm ; sorry for the gentleum, but 
must do my duty. Thank you, marm, [Taking glass, \ it's 
uncommon good. — [Drinks. — Asi(te.] I should like to be a 
policeman every day in the week, if these are the per- 
kisites. [Dri7iks.] Uncommon pretty tipple — 

Miss M. I'm glad you like it — take another glass. 

Jac. You'll make me drunk, marm. [Miss M. holds 
back the bottle^ Never mind, I'll risk it. [Drinks — Aside.] 
While I'm about it, I may as vrell have my whack. 

Miss M. [Aside to Friskly.] If you think the wine's not 
strong enough, I'll fetch some brandy. 

Frisk. No, no — this will do! — [Aside.] Confound him, 
he'll get drunk in earnest. [Kicks Jacob under the table, 
and 2)anto7ni)nes him to pretend to be drunk. 



22 BOOTS AT THE SWAN. 



[AtTl. 



Jac. [Aside.] All right — I know. — [Aloud.] Eh 1 [Puts 
his hand to his head.] What is the matter 1 the room's 
going round — hallo! stop! you'll be upset. [Poiirs out 
wine and drinks.] Where is the prisoner ] Oh, all right. 
[Gets up a7id seizes Miss 3L's hand.] Come along — let's be 
off. [I^eeling.] vSteady, old boy, steady ! Eh 1 I beg your 
pardon, marm — I mistook you for a gentleum, ha ! ha ! 
[Aside to Friskly.] Aynt I doing it prime, sir — what shall 
I do next 1 [Frisldy tells him to sit down, and pretend, to 
go to sleep.] 1 know. — [Aloud.] Come along — stop — it's 
fullish to leave so much wine in the decanter — I'll have 
one more glass. [Staggers to table, sits down, r. c, drinks 
and yawns.] I'm uncommon sleepy. Prisoner, take ano- 
ther glass — [Drinks] very good — uncommon pret-ty tip- 
ple. [Pretends to sleep. 

Miss M. He sleeps, and you are saved. [Removes wine 
to closet.] Not a moment is to be lost : take a hackney 
coach, and fly. 

Frisk. No ; roads are watched — costume too eccentric 
— must stay here till nightfall — conceal me somewhere — 
the garret — coal-hole — anywhere — 

Miss M. No, you'll be safer out of the house — there is a 
hay-loft over the stables — 

Frisk. A thousand thanks — lead on, bright excellence, 
I am your slave. 

Miss M. [Aside.] What moving incidents for my new 
tragedy. 

Jac. [Snoring and muttering.] Eh % Gently — gently ! 
[Exeunt Miss M. and Friskly, r,, melo-dra?natically. 

Jac. [After watching them.] Oflf! ha! ha! they're off! 
what a lark ! I wish she hadn't taken the wine away. 
I should have liked another glass. She keeps it in that 
cupboard — I'll help myself — [Goes to closet and brings out 
ivine] — capital good — I wonder what the devil the gentle- 
man will want me to do next — he is the curiest chap I ever 
met with — here's his very good health — he gave me a so- 
vereign, and told me to pretend to get drunk — [Drinks] 
— and damme if I don't think I've done it — I certainly 
am a little snuffy — never mind, it's all in my day's work. 
Says the gentleman, " do what I tell you." " Yes, sur," 
says 1. "Pretend to be drunk," says he. "Yes, sur," 
says I, and weriy well I does it, ha! ha! only I think I've 



Scene II.] BOOTS AT THE SWAN. 23 

got a trifle beyond the mark— never mind, what's the odds, 
as long as you're happy. This ere place is very snug and 
comfortable — I shall stay here 'till I'm wanted — and as 
my being here is nothing to nobody, I shall shut the door 
and. keep myself to myself. [Shuts himself in closet in l. f. 

Enter Pippin, l., zvifh a quantity of books. 
Pip. [Putting hooks on table.] Well, I think I've got her 
enough for a month at least— there's " Flirtation," " Mar- 
riage"— there's " Separation" and " Reparation"— there's 
" London Assurance," there's " Sam Patch," there's 
" Night and Morning," there's " Ten Thousand a Year," 
there's the " Maid's Husband," and the " Young Son," 
for missus ; and there's " Rhoderick Random," and°" Tris- 
tram Shandy Gent.," for Sally ; and here's " Pelham" for 
myself, 'cos Jack Sheppard's been kept by a young gen- 
tleman as is going to finish his eddication at Newgate. 
Now, that's done, I've nothing more to do till supper 
time, unless missus wants to chivey me somewhere else, 
which I dare say she will. [Looking round.] The keys still 
in the door— I've a great mind to have another spoonful 
of jam; nobody '11 know nuffin— I'll venture. [Opens 
closet, sees Jacob, recoils in alarm and shuts door, —locks 
door.] Eh ! goshy gollikins— a policeman— I'll be off. 

[Going, L. 
Enter Sally, zv/io seizes him by the collar. 
Gh, pray let me go— I'll never steal any more— you said 
I should be found out— let me go, I'll never steal any more. 
There's a policeman in the closet. 

Jac. [ Within:] Hallo ! hallo ! open the door ! 

Sal. [Astonished and still holding him.] A policeman ! 

^ Pip. Yes, yes, for me— for me— the jam ! the jam ! 

I've been at it again, and he's come for me — I'll never 
touch nuffin d.gB.m-^[Struggling.]—\et me go— let me go. 

[Runs off, L. 
Jac. [ Within, knocking at door.] Come, I say, no non- 
sense—let me out, or I'll break open the door— once— 
tyv'ice— [Crash of China is heard—Jacob breaks open door, 
and advances with a basin on his head. 

Sal. Why, it's the Boots at the Swan disguised in blue 
and liquor: 
Jac. [Singing.] "Meet me by moonlight alone"— I'm 



24 BOOTS AT THE SWAN. [ Act I. 

just ripe for a spree — Ha ! there's a petticoat ! Sarvent, 
my love — why, no — yes — it is — the young 'ooman who 
brought the little Billy for Mr. Piggins this morning- 
how do you do, my darling — you don't recollect me, 1 sup- 
pose — I'm Jacob Earwig — the Boots at the Swan — no, 
no, I forgot — I'm number eleventeen of the X Y Z di- 
vision of the police — [Flourishes bottle] — here's my peace- 
maker. 

Sal. There's something strange going on ; what are 
you doing there 1 

Jac. Beer ! — I scorns it — I've been astonishing your 
missus — Sherry — tol de rol — let's have a dance. 

Sal. [Pushing him awaij.] Be quiet, or I'll call murder. 
Why are you here 1 and what is the meaning of this dis- 
guise ] 

Jac. Ha ! ha ! I've borrowed this toggery from Jim Bon- 
nets, the policeman — he got drunk at our bar, and as I 
wanted a policeman's dress, I undressed him, and put 
him to bed in our pigstye — tol de rol de riddle. [Sings.] 
Give us a kiss, my darling. 

Sal. Keep away, you drunken wretch. — [Aside.] I'm 
getting frightened — our house is lonely — Boots aint al- 
ways honest — the last Boots at the Swan was transported, 
perhaps this one is as bad — a pair of bad Boots — I dare 
say he belongs to the old gang, and is going to rob and 
murder us — I'll keep an eye on his proceedings. 

[Exit, R., unpereeived hy Jacob. 

Jac. That's one of the nicest gals I ever seed ; I must 
make up to her. Well, this are the rummest business I 
ever engaged in — I can't understand it — first I'm to go, 
then I'm to stay — and then I'm to be — hang me, if I aint 
quite bothered — I'll have another glass of Sherry, just to 
brighten me up a bit. [Goes to closet. 

Enter Friskly, r. 

Frisk. What can have become of that deaf rascal % I 
fear he will get drunk in earnest, and mar my plot, weak 
and romantic as she is — she seems to regard me with sus- 
picion — I must put him on his guard. [Seeing him.] Hal- 
lo ! what are you doing there % 

Jac. Hallo ! where did you spring from % — what's the 
row % 



Scene II.] BOOTS AT THE SWAN. 25 

Frisk. Come here, I want to explain. \Tales Itim for- 
icard, icldsiiers and pantomimes extraiaganthj. 

Entei- Sally, on tip-toe. 

Sal. Just as I thought— there's the pretended police- 
man confabbing with the other that shammed to be run- 
ning away from him, as thick as thieves. I was right, they 
are°a couple of housebreakers. I'll run and tell missus— 
Oh yes — Housebreakers! housebreakers! housebreak- 
ers'! \^^'^- ^• 

Frisk. [Aside.] Here's a piece of luck— that prymg 
piece of kitchen stuff has watched, and mistakes us for 
housebreakers— the credulous, romantic mistress will rea- 
dily swallow the marvellous intelligence — I'll change my 
plan of attack. 

Enter Pippin, Miss Moonshine, Betty, and Sally. 

Sal. There, mum— see, there are two of 'em now— I'm 
sure they are ruffians, come to rob an-d murder us. 

Miss M. It's Mr. Thingame, the convict, the gentleman 
without a name, and the policeman I made tipsy. Why 
are they together % 

Sal. They are settling how we are to be got rid of — 

Frisk. [To Jacob.] In the first place, we must secure the 
footman. [Draivs hisjivgcr across his throat — Jacob nods. 

Pip. [Alarnied.] Oh, goshy gollikins ! 

Sal There, there, marm, wasn't I right 1 they are zw- 
cendiaries. 

Frisk. Then for the cook and housemaid ! 

[ Whispers to Jacob, who assents. 

Cook. Oh, heavens ! 

Sally. Oh, goodness gracious! Cook, we shall be the 
principal victims ! 

Frisk. As for the old lady — 

Sally. That's you, ma'am. [FrisUy whispers to Jacob, 
who assents. 

Miss M. Oh, the wretch I 

Frisk. 1 will take care of the young lady. Then we'll 
collect the plate, and be off. 

Hig. Well, this is the strangest — 

Frisk. [Coming from under table. In a whisper.] Hush I 
follow me — this way ! [Exit, l 

B 



26 BOOTS AT THE SWAN. [Act I. 

Miss M. Oh, I shall faint ! Hold me, Sally— 
Sally. I can't, ma'am. All my limbs are taken insensi- 
ble. [Leans against Cook. 
Cook. No, no — I'm insensible too ! 

\Leans against Pippin. 
Pip. No, no, don't — for I'm a-going. \_A loud ringing is 

heard at the gate— All start. 
Sally. There's the rest of the gang ! 
Frisk. Who the devil's that % We must get out of the 
way. [Motions to Jacob to conceal himself under the table. 
Miss M. Conceal yourselves. [All hide. Friskly and 
Jacob under table, Sally and Cook in wind.oiv cur- 
tains, Pipptin in the closet. Miss M. behind sofa. Bell 
is heard again — after a short pause, Higgins enters, l. 
Frisk. [Aside — looking from under the table.] Oh, you 
fool ! you'll ruin the plot ! 

[Making signs to attract his attention. 
Miss M. Why, it's Emily's lover, Mr. Higgins. Oh, if 
I could but inform him of our danger ! 

[Makes signs to Higgins. 
Hig. On reflection, I feel that it would be dishonoura- 
ble to obtain Emily by means of a deception practised on 
her sister. I will, therefore, confess my intended imposi- 
tion, and renew my suit on fair terms. Very strange there 
should be nobody to — 

Miss M. [Peeps over the sofa, points mysteriously to table ^ 
and speaks in a whisper. \ Hush ! 
Hig. [Astonished!] Eh? what? 

Sally. [Putting her head out from the curtains, and imi- 
tating Miss M.] Hush! 
Hig. What] 

Bettif [Imitating Sally.] Hush ! 
Hig. Eh 1 

Pip. [ Looking out of closet.] Hush! 
Hig. Why, what the — 

Frisk. [Putting his head out from wider table and point- 
ing to Miss M.] Hush ! [Jacob imitates — Friskly pulls him 
back. 
Hig. What the deuce is going on here ? 
Miss M. Follow me this way. [Goes off cautiously on 
tiptoe, followed by Sally, Betty, and Pippin — each 
making a ^separate exit. 



Scene ir.J BOOTS AT THE SWAN. 27 

Jac. [Looking out] Eh? he's off! I suppose I'd better 
follow. [Creeps off \.., pantomiming to Higgins. 

Rig. What on earth is the meaning of all this ] Are 
they all mad, or is it the result of Friskly's scheme % I'll 
have it explained at once. [Going r., ?neets Sally, loho en- 
ters mysteriously. 

Sally. Hush ! [Looks rouni in great alarm — {particu- 
larly at the table) — puts a blunderbuss {which she brings 
on behind her) and a note into Higgins' hand.] Take that, 
and read that, and act like a Roman hero ! 

[Steals off mysteriously, r. 

Hig. Well, of all the mysterious affairs — [Opens note 
and reads.] " There are thieves in the house. Fire the 
inclosed under the table, w^hile I alarm the neighbour- 
hood. Yours, iri an agony of terror — Cecilia Moonshine. 
Excuse haste in loading the blunderbuss. I'm afraid it is 
a little too full." Ha ! ha ! ha ! This is Friskly's plot. 
Too bad, upon my life ! [A loud noise heard r., Miss 
Moonshine, Betty, Sally, and Pippin calVmg for help — 
" Murder— thieves r — loith a watchman's rattle, and a large 
bell. — N. B. — Tfie alarm is kept up until the entrance of 
M'ss M.] Eh 1 Zounds, the w^hole village v^^ill be up in 
arms ! 

Enter Emily, l. u. e. 

Emi. Good heavens ! v^^hat is the matter 1 [Sees Hig- 
gins.] Henry! why are you here ? why this alarm ] what 
has happened 1 [ Clinging to him. 

Hig, Be composed, dearest — there is nothing to fear — 
a frolic of a friend of mine — 

Enter Friskly, hastily, l. 

Frisk. Confound it, the whole country will be roused ! 

We shall be taken into custody. Why the devil didn't 

you wait until I sent for you 1 You've ruined all ! [A 

loud shout is heard without, l., and voices calling " Follow, 

follow! Bring him along .'"J Confound it ! I must run for 

it — [Going to wijidow, R.,is met by Policemen and Villagers. 

Miss Moonshine, Sally, Betty, and Pippin enter r., 

armed with poker, broom, Sfc. Jacob is dragged on 

by Villagers, l. Tableau. 

Miss M. Propitious powers, we are preserved ! Oh, 



28 BOOTS AT THE SWAN. [Act I. 

Mr. Higgins, I know not how to express my gratitude. 
But for your opportune visit — [S/iuddering] — what would 
have been our fate 1 

Pip. I was to have been — \Draws finger across his 
throat.] Oh, goshy gollikins ! 

Sally. And cook and I — oh, goodness gracious — awful ! 
[Goes zip, and gets round to l. 

Hig. \Aside\ Friskly has gone too far — I must ex- 
plain. Madam, your kindness overwhelms me, for with 
shame I confess that I have been the cause of all your 
annoyances. 

Miss M. [Astonished.] Mr. Higgins ! 

Frisk. Oh, you fool ! [Holds out his hand threateningly 
to Higgins — Jacob imitates. 

Jan. I'll punch your head ! [ Villagers' hold his arm, 

Hig. Yes, madam, you have been imposed upon. The 
persons in custody are not robbers, but agents of mine in 
a plot to gain your consent to my marriage with your sis- 
ter. Despair prompted me to connive at a dishonourable 
act, but reflection has opened my eyes to the enormity of 
my conduct, and I have hastened to make amends. 

Frisk. Well, of all the born idiots — Never ask me to 
get you out of a scrape again ! [Shakes his head, and holds 
up his hands deprecatingly. 

Jac. [Imitating the action, grotesquely.] I'm ashamed o'ye, 
Mr. Piggins — you ought to have knowed better — I'm 
ashamed o'ye. [Aside to Friskly.] Wot has he done, sur 1 
[Friskly ^notions him to hold his tongue. 

3Iiss M. [Sarcastically.] A very lucid and pleasant ex- 
planation. So, after your friends have turned me into ri- 
dicule, and frightened me out of my wits, I am to accept 
your polite apology, and generously give you the hand of 
my sister, as a reward for your nobleness and candour. 

Hig. Oh, madam, spare your reproaches. 1 feel that 
my indiscretion has deprived me of all hope. I will no 
longer intrude. Farewell, dearest Emily ! I must resign 
you to one more worthy — [Going, l. 

Miss M. Stay — one word more. Youthful affections 
should not be blighted. You love each other — " 'Tis but 
thy name that is mine enemy" — I'll be magnanimous. 
[Joining their hands melo-dramatically.] Take her, Higgins. 

Hig. Dearest Emily! [E?nhraces Emily — Friskly em- 



Scene II.] BOOTS AT THE SWAN. 29 

hraces Sally — Jacoh emhraces Betty — Pippin, find- 
ing nobody to embrace, goes into closet and steals a 
spoonful of jam — Miss M. assumes a meh-dramatic 
attitude. 

Pip. How nice ! 

Sally. Ha' done, do ! 

Betty. Well, I'm sure ! 

Hig. Madam, this generosity — 

E?7i. Dearest sister ! 

Miss. M. Well, well — I am glad to make you happy. 
*' Live in a palace lifting to eternal heavens !" Now may 
I beg an introduction to your friends ! 

Frisk. [Advancing.] Permit me to name myself. I am — 

Miss M. Mr. , the prize of the Art Union. 

Frisk. Oh, madam, forgive a harmless frolic. I am 
Frank Friskly, Captain of Dragoons on half pay; a thought- 
less scapegrace — always ready to volunteer on any service 
that may benefit his friends or his country. No objection to 
a flit to Gretna with an heiress, or a trip to India with the 
" Caboul Avengers" — and should you at any time require 
my assistance in any civil capacity, I am an affectionate 
brother, a discreet cousin, a respectable godfather, and the 
most devoted lover in her majesty's service. 

Miss M. You are very kind. I will bear in mind your 
manifold good qualities. [Looking at Jacob.] But the 
other gentleman, in the police uniform, is he also a dra- 
goon officer 1 

Frisk. [Laughing.] No, madam, he — is — [Pantomimes 
to Jacob to tell his name, Sfc. 

Miss. M. Some distinguished personage, I've no doubt. 

Jac. Yes, marm — I'm the " Boots at the Swan !" 

Miss M. The Boots at the Swan ! Ha, ha, ha ! 

Uig. Yes, madam, but I — 

Frisk. Don't say another word — all is arranged. You 
have gained your wife — I have made the amende honourable, 
and nothing is wanting to finish the aifair with eclat— [Tb 
azidience] — ^but your approbation for our mutual friend — 
[Pantomi?ning to Jacob.] 

Jac. [To Audience.] " The Boots at the Swan." 

THE END. 



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